Tampa Bay Rays: Parallels of Star Wars & AL EAST (no Yankees/Evil Empire remarks)

Darth Vader (Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for Disney)
Darth Vader (Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for Disney) /
Star Wars (Cattermole/Getty Images for Disney) /

With the release of the new Star Wars movie this weekend, we think now is the time to compare the Tampa Bay Rays and the entire AL East to Star Wars.

With Star Wars – The Rise of Skywalker coming out, it is time for the obligatory, topical comparison article of the current pop-culture “thing” and how we can relate it to Tampa Bay Rays baseball. This time I’m going to use the whole AL East.

Charlie Morton is like Obi-Wan Kenobi. When he is standing on the pitcher’s mound, he has the high ground.

Jacoby Ellsbury is like Jar Jar Binks, management deeply regrets both decisions.

Gerrit Cole is like George Lucas. George Lucas made a lot of money by selling his soul to Disney. Gerrit Cole made a lot of money by selling his soul to the Yankees.

Bo Bichette is Chewbacca simply because I’m told he is the hairiest player in the AL East.

The Baltimore Orioles are like them little bird-things in The Last Jedi. Remember how cute they were? One of them was still hunted, skinned, cooked, and eaten by Chewy…with an audience. I’m certain Chewy went back and ate it, he’d be denying his very nature if he didn’t. 

The Boston Red Sox are like Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Huge budget; still sucked.

The Baltimore Orioles are like a Star Wars fan video: a bunch of amateurs.

The Rays’ front office is like Disney when they did the casting for The Force Awakens. They wanted it to be good but didn’t want to pay for big names.

The Red Sox are like the Death Star. They look big and bad, and we know they have dangerous weapons all over, yet they still get destroyed.

Stu Sternberg is like George Lucas after the prequels came out. Even though he paid for this thing the fans claim to love, they still hate him.

Brett Gardner is like the Sarlacc Pit, both are basically giant buttholes.

The Blue Jays are like the younglings in the Jedi Temple. Full of youth and promise… slaughtered anyway.

The 2019 Rays were like Boba Fett’s head… rolling. How did it not fall out of that helmet? Must have been a chin strap or something. I dunno…

Rey on the Millenium Falcon: “That one is garbage!”
Luke on Millenium Falcon: “What a piece of junk!”
Tropicana Field is the Millenium Falcon.

Next. Recapping off-season moves. dark

If you have some comparisons for us, leave them in the comments below. If you have complaints about us talking about Star Wars on a baseball site, go be a nerf-herder somewhere else. Leave your good-side and dark-side remarks in the comment section below!